Self -Discipline

After being unemployed for some time a friend recommended that I see Jim Carrey’s version of the movie “Fun with Dick and Jane” which I found very funny considering my circumstances. One scene that I found to be particularly funny was when Dick (Carrey) first lost his job. Dick would come downstairs bright and early in a suit each day to commence his daily job search, but as the days turned into weeks and months you see Dick getting up later and later and staying in his PJ’s longer and longer.
When I was working I had a planned schedule that included getting up each work day at 4:45 am in order to get a workout in before having to catch the 7 am ferry into NYC. One of the things that tends to slip away with unemployment is your schedule since you really don’t have to be anywhere at any given time except for those rare occasions you might have an interview. You start to go where the day takes you or you lose countless hours of your life filling out job applications in cyberspace. You lose track of time and before you know it you have no idea when the last time you got your haircut was or when you last shaved and a decision as to whether to take a shower or not starts being made around 5 pm. This happened to me, like it happened to Dick, until I had my Nick Nolte wake up call. That morning (or was it afternoon? I can’t remember) I looked into the mirror and saw Nick Nolte’s mug shot. A look that might work if I were applying for a salty sea captain position but not for any job in finance. It was then that I decided to be more self-disciplined and so I now wake up at 5 am to workout and have a better schedule (yet still flexible) of time for job search, school work and household responsibilities (laundry day included). The Nick Nolte experience is scary and not good for an unemployed person’s self esteem. To avoid the experience keep a schedule and stay self-disciplined.

Debt

There's a parable about a man who owed a King an incredible amount of money which he couldn't pay. So he went before the King and plead for relief. The King felt compassion for the man and relieved him of all he owed. On the way home the man stumbled upon another man who owed him money (a minuscule amount compared to what the King just forgave him). The man demanded that his debtor pay him back and when the debtor said he couldn't the man had the debtor thrown in jail. The King heard what happened, became furious and threw the man in jail to be tortured until he paid back all he owed.

One can't help but feel enraged over the lack of mercy shown to the second man. Even though the second man got what he deserved (jail was the penalty for not paying a debt) most people, I believe, would like to see mercy passed on.

The financial institution that holds my mortgage went before the U.S. Goverment in 2009 and received a nice chunk of zero interest T.A.R.P funds to stay afloat. On the way home from Washington the bank ran into me standing in the unemployment line and demanded the monthly payment I owed it. I explained to the bank my situation and the bank told me to talk to the Loan Modification Department. The Loan Modification Department said they couldn't help me because I didn't have a job. Huh? Really? Did it occur to anyone there that the REASON I need the loan modified is because I DON'T HAVE A JOB!
To add insult to injury they call every few days looking for a payment. Now I realize the employee calling me isn't getting paid much and probably gets yelled at by customers all day, so I'm nice when I say, "In the last few days I didn't get a job and even if I did I wouldn't have gotten a pay check yet." Then the person apologizes, make some notes on the computer and someone else calls me back again two days later.
I've done everything I can to pay them. I've burned through all my savings including my 401k, everything. I had perfect credit up until 6 months ago. I will probably lose my house to foreclosure. Do I deserve that? Yes, I can't meet the obligations of a contract which I signed. I would like some mercy though. Not the forgiveness of debt, just some forbearance until I'm back on my feet. Probably not going to happen.
So if things weren't bad enough I read in the Wall Street Journal today about a woman who made it through a bunch of interviews at Prudential and ended up not getting the job because of her credit report, a credit report that was perfect until she lost her job in 2008. Are you kidding me? So let me try and get this straight, because I may need to finish my Master's program to understand the logic here.
1- I can't pay my mortgage because I lost my job and I can't qualify for loan modification because I don't have a job.
2- Since I can't pay my mortgage because I don't have a job, I have a bad credit report, which makes it harder to get a job.

Lord, have mercy.

Depression

Friday’s are a difficult day for me, especially gloomy winter rainy ones like today. I was laid off on Friday September 12, 2008 so each Friday marks another week of unemployment. Today marks week 78. To add to the gloominess of the day my wife and I will be heading to Pennsylvania this afternoon for her uncle’s funeral. He was diagnosed with Leukemia last week, had a stroke two days later and was gone. Life is so fragile. My wife’s side of the family has endured much sorrow and grief these last few years.
Like stress, depression is also common in people who get laid off. This life is a wonderful thing filled with much beauty and joy that should never be taken for granted, but there is also much sorrow and pain. We focus on and enjoy the pleasures of life (sometimes in unhealthy ways) to numb the pain, even deny it in our lives. There is always a wake-up call though, a death, a diagnosis, a lost career.
I loved the movie “Life is Beautiful” because the main character was able to extract the joy of life out of a horrid situation. I want to live life in such a way that I’m not living in denial of the reality of pain. I want to look it straight in the eye, recognize it for what it is but not let it rob me of the joy life brings.
This is what my faith enables me to do. It gives me the strength, peace and hope that is necessary to overcome the sorrow in life and reminds me that “All things work together for good for those who love the Lord” (Rom. 8:28)
Today I will have victory.

Anger Management

My wife, a fourth grade teacher, sometimes rewards her students with a pizza party at school during lunch. Today was pizza party day. My wife, before she left for school this morning, asked if I would be kind enough to call in the pizza order for her because of her schedule today. I said, “No problem.” She said, “You can call it at 10am.” “I got it.” “Are you sure?” “Relax I got it.” “10 o’clock.” “Yep.”
Sometime after 9:30 my brother-in-law (the framer, he’s not working much these days either) stopped over. Evidently my son (the football player home on spring break) asked him to come over to workout (we have a pretty nice weight room in the basement). They asked if I wanted to join them and I said yes considering most of my lifting lately has been laundry baskets. Well we got a good workout in and I was feeling pretty good about myself all things considered……until I looked at the clock 11:37, almost time for luuunch. PIZZA oh no!!! Images of 16 hungry crying kids and a very angry wife passed before my eyes along with my wife saying, “I asked you to do ONE thing….” the words that every husband has heard and dreads.
I totally freaked out. Overreaction is an understatement. After it was over my brother-in-law said because of my reaction he thought I had forgotten to defuse a nuclear warhead.

My doctor warned me that stress is a serious issue for people who lose their jobs and it shows itself in strange ways. He says it’s not uncommon for men who are perfectly healthy otherwise to drop of a heart attack (he told me to take aspirin daily).
Stress is obviously showing itself in the over reactions I’ve been having. I have self-diagnosed the problem as a hypersensitivity to failure. Sometimes the reaction is anger, like the time I couldn’t get the wrinkles out of a linen shirt I was ironing and I almost smashed the iron. Or the time I tried to fold a fitted sheet and went looking for a pair of scissors to cut it into a million pieces. Both would have won on America’s Funniest Videos if the incidents were captured on tape.

I call it a hypersensitivity to failure because deep down losing a job along with the inability to pay the bills and foreclosure notices give me the feeling that I have failed. So any task that I do now that doesn’t meet my standards creates an overreaction.
The positive is that I am driven to prove myself and succeed which is why I’m tackling two Master’s programs.
To combat the stress I’m exercising more often and avoiding those things that frustrate me. I now send the shirts to the dry cleaner (expensive but cheaper than a shrink) and I don’t even attempt to fold the fitted sheet. I take it out of the dryer, flip it the bird and roll it up in a ball with a smile on my face.

I ended up driving to the pizza parlor and delivering the pizza myself to the school in enough time to be enjoyed before lunch period was over.

Mission accomplished…nuclear bomb defused.

Laundry Day

One good thing that has come from my unemployment is a greater appreciation for all that my wife did for the 20+ years I went off to work while she kept my family and home in running order. Besides my school work and looking for a job, running the household is the biggest time consumer. Doing laundry, which includes the ironing (though I'm sending more to the dry cleaner as part of my self-imposed anger management program which I'll address in another blog), folding and putting away clothes is extremely time consuming. Everyday is laundry day but on Wednesday I do all the sheets and towels so it's declared the official laundry day for the week.
The male ego is a funny thing. Many of us males define ourselves by what we do, in fact at a cocktail party you will notice that after two men meet the next question is always, "So what do you do for a living?" So here I am jobless and changing careers. I don't want to define myself by my past career since that's gone and I haven't started a new career so I can't lay claim to that territory either. I'm the monkey in the middle.
Even when I was fully employed at the peak of my career I didn't feel as manly as John Wayne. How do you think I feel now? I mean not wearing the rubber yellow gloves when I do the dishes (with really hot water!) only goes so far when trying to prove to myself that I'm a man's man.
Thankfully my brother-in-law (a man's man, a framer by trade, the kind of guy who barely winces when he accidentally shoots himself with a nail gun) picks me up on Tuesday nights and takes me to the shooting range. Like Clark Kent changing into Superman, I rip off my apron and strap on a holster. After a hundred or so .45 caliber rounds my testosterone is restored, balance is achieved and I'm ready to tackle....laundry day.

Introduction

I've been unemployed now for a year and a half and people always ask what I'm doing with all the free time (right!) so I thought this blog would be a good way to communicate my experience.
One of the many things that occupy my time is school. I am enrolled in 2 separate Masters Degree programs, one at Boston University concentrating in Banking and Financial Services Management and the other at Utica College which focuses on Economic Crime and Fraud Management. Starting this blog is an assignment in my ecommerce class at BU.
The picture you see is the most recent picture I could find of my family taken at my son Taylor's high school graduation last June ('09). He is now playing football at the University of Pennsylvania. My daughter, Morgan is in her senior year at Marist College majoring in education and my youngest son, Justin is a sophomore in high school now getting in shape for baseball season. Last but certainly not least is my beautiful bride of nearly 25 years, Barb who thankfully has a job as a 4th grade teacher close to our home here at the Jersey Shore. Oh, and that's me the old guy on the right.
When I was employed I was a Mortgage Backed Securities inter-dealer broker, which was a great career for 18+ years. Unfortunately with electronic trading platforms gaining market share and forcing commission cuts, as well as this recent economic crisis knocking off my last major account, it was time for me to head in a different direction.
Besides school and family obligations I am also active at church, playing guitar and singing in the band there. My Christian faith has been indispensable to me during this difficult yet exciting time of my life. In fact my online learning experience started with a Certificate of Graduate Studies program at Dallas Theological Seminary and I've had almost a passion for online education since. Though I graduated from Wake Forest with an Economics degree many moons ago, it was by the skin of my teeth. College campus life was a great experience but I have found online learning to be more effective (probably because there are no fraternity houses). Cheers.